Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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