Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
two words: eviction party
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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