Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Non-Jews are for practice
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
