New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
