You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I party with great urgency now.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
