Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
