Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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