omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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