My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
