She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
