I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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