I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
