I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
