does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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