You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
