Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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