i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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