Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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