The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
