thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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