my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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