enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
