she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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