i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
