How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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