I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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