you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
