I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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