peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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