Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
