this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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