I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
