Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
