You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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