Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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