I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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