I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
