He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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