Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
