my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
