i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
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