Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just gargled with NyQuil
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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