3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
