i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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