girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
