I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
