its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
