He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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