sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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