i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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