I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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