you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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