So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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