Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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