i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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