Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
