Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
