I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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